Life is too short to harbour negative thoughts, hold grudges, plot revenges and inflict pain number of times by reliving the past.
The more you feed negativity the more time and energy you are losing thinking about unwanted people and unpleasant incidents.
That way you’re actually giving more importance to the ones who have hurt you the most and whom you think you can never forgive. You’re indeed, keeping your enemy in the most important part of your body- the mind.
Okay, go ahead and shoot me the question-
Aren’t you suppose to punish the one who hurt you?
My answer is- even if you punish that bastard (that’s what you might want to use!), take my word you will not be in peace. You will still relive the hurtful event again and again as along as you have it in your mind.
What can be done then?
Forgive and move on.
What is forgiveness?
According to Wikipedia forgiveness is-
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning, excusing , forgetting, pardoning, and reconciliation
There are number of ancient practices such as Hoʻoponopono, Dashlakshan Parva (Kshamavani Divas) and pratikramana, as well as Gods like Al-Ghaffur, associated with forgiveness and are intrinsic part of religious believes of various faiths on this planet.
Almost all the religions preach forgiveness in some or the other way and as such humans from time immemorable, had belief that forgiveness only leads to good mental health and happiness in life.
Why is forgiveness important?
There are 3 main aspects of forgiveness- forgiving others, forgiving self and seeking forgiveness from others.
- Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong since weak minds are incapable of letting go.
- The most important person to be forgiven is you. Make mistakes but don’t punish yourself to an extent that you relive the same mistakes all your life. Forgive yourself and move on. That way healing begins and the guilt ends giving way for growth.
- Forgiving yourself means accepting your past and your mistakes unconditionally.
- It is a way to detach with the ones that don’t really matter to you.
- It is embracing the ones who matter, all over again.
- The way to move on and utilize your time as well as energy to accomplish what you really want to in life.
- Forgiving people helps to make peach with your inner self.
- It is to accept people and circumstances as they are because your grudge wont change them but will only lead to your inner noise and distress.
- Every moment that you waste hating somebody can be well spent gathering more happiness for yourself and doing something worth while.
- Peace should come from within and forgiveness is one of those basic deeds required to attain it.
- Forgiveness fades away bitterness and eventually the heaviness you have been experiencing from holding grudges disappears.
- Without forgiveness you are capable of holding it against them- you react and therefore give your control to the person who hurt you. Their opinion starts mattering to you and fills you with negativity.
- It helps you to come out of victim mode and heal faster.
Asking for forgiveness-
- Seeking forgiveness from the person whom you may have hurted will only help you come out of guilt and relives you from the burden of baggage you have been carrying.
- In the process of seeking forgiveness you first free yourself from hatred, anger, resentment and ego.
- Forgiveness gives you an opportunity to build a heathy relationship with the person yet again.
- It is a way to get over past and believe in present and hoping for better future.
How to forgive and get un-struck?
Start by forgiving self-
- Past is past and you can’t undo what is already done. See the new possibilities that can open up if you succeed to forgive yourself.
- Megan Hale, a Purpose Clarity Coach says, it’s important to identify and work on bigger patterns rather than treating individual regrets. Grub out major regrets that you’re still holding against yourself and the rest will just follow.
- If your actions or behavior has hurt somebody then first forgive yourself before asking for forgiveness to the person. Remember, you have not caused pain intentionally and that you’re not a bad person.
- Giving your past less time and not dwelling over mistakes can make them less intense thereby making the forgiveness process easier.
- Empathize with yourself as if you were doing it for others. Ask yourself if you would forgive a friend for similar mistake? Then ask, why not myself? We tend to be more harsh on ourselves than we are on others. Stop beating up yourself.
- Self-affirmation is the base for all your further self-improvement acts. Learn to accept your mistakes, get unstuck from the past and move further in life.
- First of all stop blaming and start emphasizing with the other person. Step into their shoes and see it from their point of view. Then question yourself- would you do things differently or you think there weren’t many choices? This will make it easy to forgive.
- You don’t have to wait for them to ask you sorry before you forgive. Understand, forgiving is for yourself, your mental peace and it’s not about the other person’s worthiness for your forgiveness.
- You don’t have to actually say it out to them, that you forgive them unless they really have a significant role in your life. Say for example, if somebody hit you on the road and you lost one of your limb in the accident, it’s more important to forgive that person mentally so that you can move on. Law will take care about his punishment.
- On the other hand if it’s your loved one you has hurt you physically or mentally then it’s important to say it out to them so that you both can come to terms and your mate feels better- forgives himself.
- It’s a fact, no one is perfect, anybody can make mistakes. You have no idea what was actually going with that person at the time he/she hurt you. Face it and finish it.
Asking for forgiveness-
- Explain the situation you were in when the incident happened. Talk to the person you hurt. Make them realize it was not what you wished for and it just turned out ugly.
- Subdue your ego and understand that asking for forgiveness is in no way demeaning yourself rather it is to rise up. Don’t assume if that person will judge you or if you are feeding his/her ego. It’s for your happiness and so your responsibility.
- Let them know your relationship matters more than anything else and that you care for the person you wronged.
- Don’t expect them to forgive at once but hope for the best. Even acting towards forgiveness will give you peace because you tried your best. Be patient.
I don’t wan’t to ask you if you have watched Queen movie or not. Anyway, if you haven’t you better do.
It’s wonderful how Kangana Ranaut (Rani), in the movie, was so much hurt by her husband-to-be who didn’t turn up on their wedding day.
However, she makes a choice to go on to their honeymoon all alone and explore the city of love-lights-fashion- Paris.
Eventually, she does things that she has never done, looks at life with new perception and grows from within and ultimately turns out to be a self-confident and happy woman- inside out.
Because she didn’t hold it against him. She didn’t try to teach him a lesson. Rather she learnt a lot of things in life, she puts all her energy in doing things that gave her peace and happiness. She let it go and embraced the new future.
What matters the most is inner happiness which hatred, anguish and revenge can never bring.
Money can buy you all the luxury but only self-awareness by means of forgiveness calms you down taking you one step closer to achieving inner-peace.
Once you’re done with your past grudges, it’s time to learn. Make sure you don’t heed to such resentments from now on.
When people try to annoy you, accuse you or hurt you emotionally- stay clam, respond not react, observe don’t judge, communicate don’t abuse, try and then let go, forgive and move on, then and there so that your future will be peaceful from no on.
Did you face such challenges in life where you had to forgive? Did you succeed?
How did you do it? Do you mind sharing your experience with us?